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Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)I was intrigued.The guy
who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves amailing tube, a string, and a balloon.
Basically, you lower theballoon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlapthe outer
edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch theballoon down the length of the tube.He suggests
taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling downand licking it for a while, then standing up
and fucking it.I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try theadvanced
applications, though, which include sticking a dildo upyour ass and drinking the cum as it leaks
out of the tube. Anothertime, maybe.But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make,
reasonablefacsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His descriptionmade fun reading, too;
"How I Spell Relief." I encourage others todownload his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).So, in a spirit of
sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't lookas authentic as his, and it takes more preparation,
but I thinkit feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and thePseudoCunt (this name
just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feelsjust EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.You think I'm
kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined. CONTENTS: 1- Registration 2- Materials two
boxes) * Sturdy rubber band * Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional) * Your favorite
masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual formCONSTRUCTION: 1- Find a suitable
container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about
11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one
end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard
milk carton might work, with clever modifications. 2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of
water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to
aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most
satisfactory. 3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL
not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well.
Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle. 4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter
(not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough).
Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it. 5- Stuff spaghetti into the
container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is
crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4
full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of
a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack
tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think. 6- At this point, remove the rod or
dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate
it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an
aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the
lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe,
slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what? 7- Now, use something wider and
slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer
bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and
tight. 8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar.
Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place.
(Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)HOW TO
USE: 1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next
to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles. 2- In the space between the cushions,
spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not
make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this
possibility. 3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles. 4- Lie
across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between.
Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the
warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.HINTS AND TECHNIQUES: * Before you get started, check with your
finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn
yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push
your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is
a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature. * The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time
when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to
prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of
disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in
and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti. * Size of the container is important. Make sure it is
at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded
by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or
bottom of the thing at a crucial moment. * Shape of the container is important, too. I like the
jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the
spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes. * Don't use too much butter. A very small
amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's
not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of
oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by
adding just a *tiny* amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first
penetration.
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The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick
feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried. * Make adequate
preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a
particularly fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote is handy. One of the
real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or languidly
browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly at your dick with each slight
movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable position, and you can
just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will
allow. * For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt
hole to adjust to the proper diameter. * Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,
and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each
time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The
sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just
at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the
tight warmth deep down inside. * Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn
videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once
in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by
concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you
should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a
woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends --
one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it
feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or
clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.TROUBLESHOOTINGIf you
experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault mostlikely lies in your choice of materials, or
lack of attention toproper construction techniques.Commonly experienced problems usually have
simple solutions: Too hot for comfort ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If too hot, allow to cool at room
temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools
unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise. Not warm enough ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If too cool,
place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more
evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar
to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven
for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between
washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds. It's also occurred to me that a hair
dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a
hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti. Bits of greasy
spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is normal. While the problem cannot
be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means: 1- Make sure spaghetti is
packed in VERY tightly. 2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in
place on the out strokes. 3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this
hole to prevent tearing. PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've
gang- banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again
at Step 2. Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design
feature rather than a problem. Greasy stains on sofa cushions ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My
wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on
the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional
furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly
secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion
pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife. Fetid stench ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Throw
away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role
in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours.
Refrigerate after use.WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I
have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to
experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies
most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person
with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual
arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms
I've ever had. Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons
not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people
did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti. Finally, it provides a fabulous way to
indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding
one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try,
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