Samesex/discover.mm
                                  Beth Winegarner
                                      Discovery
                        Late for class.  I was running down the hallway, turning the
                corners and trying not to slip as my sneakers gripped the tile.  No
               sign of the principal, fortunately.  I slipped into class just in time
                to hear the teacher call my name off the rollsheet.  "Here!" I said,
               and he hardly looked up.  Not a tardy yet, I smiled to myself, sitting
                         down in my desk towards the back of the classroom.
                       Sweat trickled in a small bead down my brow.  I wiped it off,
                and grabbed a pen out of my jeans pocket.  I should at least try and
                 look like I am taking notes.  I looked up towards the front of the
               room and my breath caught in a gasp.  Dave looked absolutely beautiful
               this morning--his long, brown-black hair fell in ripples over the back
               of the purple sweater that stretched across his lithe shoulders.  His
               thighs, legs were hugged by a slick pair of Levis, still black even in
                 their worn softness.  Over his feet were a dusty pair of boots.  I
                could see his face a little when he turned his head to the side, his
                gentle, smooth boy face that I wanted to kiss every time I glimpsed
                it.  I breathed heavy for a moment, blinked, then looked away before
                               he caught me staring.  He didn't know.
                         I'd known Dave a while now, but not really well.  We'd had
                some classes together, and we hung out with some of the same people.
                I'd seen him with girls a lot, but somehow--I don't know whether it
                 was wishful thinking or sheer perceptiveness--I always thought he
                looked uncomfortable.  Other times I wished I could see him look at
                me--or any other guy for that matter, the way I looked at him.  Even
                 though I didn't know him that well, I really liked him.  Thinking
               about it too much made my heart ache... and yet, yet I still couldn't
                                        get him off my mind.
                       Class had started and yet I was still thinking--imagining Dave
                and I off by ourselves, walking through the woods together at dusk,
               playing in the waves at the sea on windy days, watching his long hair
               blow in the breeze.  In my mind I even saw his nipples get firm in the
               cold ocean air, and I felt myself tense up in my jeans.  I didn't know
               where to go--I was scared to come out to him, because he and I weren't
               close.  I thought telling him would push him further away, and to have
                  him any more distant than he was would crush me.  So I remained
                                              silent.
                         The teacher was talking about some project--it was English
                class, and we were supposed to get in groups of two and act out some
               scenes from a play together, to get the feel of drama.  I didn't know
               anyone else, just kind of sat in the back of the room and watched the
               others as they paired up.  But wait--Dave was glancing over at me!  I
                  remembered he didn't really have any other friends in this class
                either.  His eyes told me he wanted to pair off with me on this one.
                 I nodded assent, while inside my chest my heart began to race.  I
                 mouthed, 'you tell the teacher' while trying to behave in a normal
                manner.  Why did I expect anything to happen?  It didn't matter--I'd
                        be alone with him, working.  Anything could happen.
                        The scene was Shakespeare.  Dave sat on the edge of the desk
               on front of me with the book open in his gentle hands, looking down at
               the words.  "This is lame, Gabe," he said to me, or to himself.  "This
                scene is for a guy and a girl, not two guys."  His eyes looked up at
                                me.  "I don't want to be the girl."
                       "It doesn't matter to me," I said to Dave.  "I don't care.  I
                 just want to get this out of the way.  You wanna meet at my house
                  after school, and we can rehearse it for a while, hang out?  My
                parents'll be gone, so we can use any part of the house we want to."
                Somehow I didn't have any underlying ideas in mind when I said this,
                  and I was glad.  I knew Dave would hear it in my voice if I had.
                        "All right.  Whatever," he said to me, looking at the clock
                and gathering his things up.  "Time for the bell," he said, just as
                the clock jangled nervously, announcing the end of class.  "See you
               this afternoon, Gabe," he said back to be as he walked out the door of
                the classroom, his body leaving a faint scent in the room.  I closed
                                          my eyes, dizzy.
                         All afternoon I sat at home, waiting for Dave to show.  I
                walked around the house with the music up loud and looking over the
                 textbook, learning the lines of some fair-haired maiden to Dave's
                prince.  I watched the sun sink low over the hills and descend on to
                another part of the world as I waited.  But nothing--no knock on the
               door, not even a phone call saying he'd be late.  Even my parents came
                home, and still no sign of Dave.  Finally, I went to bed, feeling a
                   little sunken.  It was just an English project, I know, but...
                        I went upstairs to my room.  It was pitch dark in the room,
                 and outside a rain had started to fall on the roof, the trees.  I
                 opened up my window to let the perfume of the water fill the air,
                undressed and slipped my body in under the covers.  The music of the
                rain lulled me into a waking dream.  I awoke with a start, listening
                 to the whispers of the water-fall.  In it I thought I had heard my
                name echo, someone whispering "Gabe..." in the night.  I rolled over
                in bed, thinking it a hallucination, but I heard my name again, and
                 this time I knew it was in Dave's voice that I heard it.  I looked
                    over to the window, and there was his silhouette against the
                 blue-black sky, the music of the rain a background for his single
                           lyric, the breathing of my name in the night.
                       "Come in, Dave.." I whispered.  He untangled his feet from the
               trellis and gracefully climbed in over the windowsill.  He was wearing
               pajama bottoms and a denim jacket, and nothing more, his hair dripping
                with rain, his clothes soaked with it.  "Dave!  You're drenched!" I
                whisper-shouted.  Underneath it all he was shivering, and in the dim
                              light I could see a sadness in his eyes.
                        "Sorry I'm so late, Gabe, my parents wouldn't let me out of
               the house to go see you.  They locked me up in my room. I had to wait
                  till they slept, and pick the lock.  I had to get out anyways...
                figured I'd come here.  I dunno why."  He shrugged, and took off the
                                      dripping cotton jacket.
                         "Let me get you a towel.." I offered, and then realized I
                 wasn't wearing anything under the sheet. "Uh... actually, um..." I
                blushed, and he understood, managed to smile a little under that sad
                                               gaze.
                           "Don't worry about it.  It's nothing I haven't got."  I
                 carefully got up and went into the bathroom, got him a huge fluffy
               towel, and tossed it at him when I got back to my room.  He grabbed it
                 in his hands and started to dry off his quivering chest.  Then he
                moved the towel down to dry his legs, and started to take his pants
                off.

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  It was so dark I couldn't see anything, though I ached to look
                at that body I had admired for so long in the classroom, out on the
                                        street after school.
                          "I've got some sweats you could wear if you want to," I
               offered again, still whispering, not wanting my parents to know he was
                here.  He bent over and dried off his legs, saying, "nah, that's all
                right."  I was amazed by this..  and even more surprised when, as he
               started to dry his hair on the towel, I said, "Here, I'll do that for
               you."  He acquiesced, walking towards the bed and sitting down on the
                                 edge of it, handing me the towel.
                         "Thanks," he whispered as I began rubbing his hair gently
                 between the folds of terrycloth.  "It's been a while since someone
               treated me this nice."  His hair felt soft from the rainwater, and it
               left little droplets on his shoulders, on his back as I tried to take
               some of the rain away from it with the towel.  He smelled clean, alive
               in the quiet of the room.  I took a handful of the soft, damp hair in
                my hand and pressed it close to my face, breathing in the scent.  I
                 kissed it softly, looking up at him.  Dave turned his gentle face
                towards me, and I feared he'd call me some kind of name for what I'd
                done.  Instead, his hand raised up and caressed my chin, down by the
               jawline.  His fingertips pulled me in close to his mouth, and his lips
                                  pressed themselves against mine.
                         A rush of warmth washed through me, and I could feel it go
               through him as well.  His tongue, gentle, pushed out from between his
               lips and sought mine.  I could feel the prickle of his whiskers under
                 my palm as I caressed his cheek, then the damp, cool weight of his
                 hair when my hand reached behind his neck to pull him closer.  His
               hands dove into my black, shoulder-length hair and his prodding tongue
                  moved deeper into the recesses of my mouth, slowly, as his hands
                pushed me back down onto the large bed, his own body following mine
                                         into the blankets.
                            We didn't speak.  Not in words anyways.  My door was
               locked--and there was no chance of anyone getting in the door, but we
                 stayed as quiet as we could.  The rush of emotion was so loud, we
                   would not have heard our voices over it anyways.  As his hands
                 trembled over my nipples, down over my belly to rest at my hips, I
                pulled him close into my arms.  After all this time, it felt so good
               to be holding what I dreamed of for so long, I never wanted to let him
                go.  He returned the embrace, with silent tears him his green eyes,
                                     and kissed me once again.
                          Dave's soft lips moved down to my neck, biting gently as
               gooseflesh raised all over my body.  Down his mouth went, to nibble at
               my nipples.  My penis began to awaken at his fiery touch, and awaited
                the moment when his mouth met it. His fingers, now over my nipples,
                 pinched softly.  It drove my hips mad, and broke my breath up into
                 softer gasps.  His mouth moved further down, tongue drawing tender
               circles about my navel, pressing into the trail of hair that led to my
                                        outstretched organ.
                        His kisses landed on my thighs now, circling the area as if
                he'd done this a hundred times.  His nose edged me gently, and then
                his hand encircled the base of my penis warmly under the thick cloud
               of blankets.  His tongue tenderly touched the tip, poking gently into
                 the hole at the end and I felt every nerve awaken with a start.  I
                gasped loudly, then again when his lips went around me, wet and hot.
                 This was not the kiss of a horny teen, but of one who was full of
                emotion.  Gently his tongue encircled me, and I grew warmer and more
                aroused.  I felt the throbbing start at the back of my hips, moving
               through my spine and pulsing each gorge of blood into the organ in his
                mouth.  I was so caught up in this wonderful dream-come-real, that I
                  could not last.  I throbbed and pushed my hips towards his warm,
                loving mouth, and the orgasm washed through me like a bath of light.
                He swallowed me up hungrily, hands behind me, pulling me further in.
               I had become so sensitive, I had to push his mouth away from my groin.
                           Any more, and I was going to explode in fire.
                       Dave pulled his body back up and lay next to me.  I kissed him
                 warmly, and could taste the salt of my semen on his tongue, on his
                 lips.  His face was flushed with passion and I could feel him hard
               against my leg... the feeling was incredible.  My hand reached towards
               that nether pulse, and I took him in my grasp.  I heard him moan as he
                 lay back into the mattress, and let me rub into the flesh with my
                  fingertips.  My finger heavily traced the vein on the underside,
                probing the tip at the top and pushing into the delicate skin at the
               bottom of my finger's trail.  He breathed in jagged sighs, with little
                "mmm"ing sounds as I tickled the edge of the head with my fingertip.
                I placed my lips over his hardened nipples, enjoying the soft muscle
               underneath that quivered with my touch.  I had laid alone in this bed
                 so many times, imagining it, I found it hard to believe I was not
               dreaming.  But I knew I was not when I felt the weight of his handover
               my hair, pushing me down to taste the fountain of life that he offered
                                               to me.
                        I barely had gotten his warm, delicious penis into my mouth
                when he gushed into me with a wave of salty sperm.  It felt so alive
               in my mouth, my stomach, that I swallowed it with love.  I kissed the
                  fur that surrounded, and kissed my way back up to his mouth, our
                 juices mixing in the saliva, the smells of passion mixed with the
               perfume of rain in the bedroom.  I fell against his chest, tracing one
                    nipple softly with a fingertip, and whispered, "I love you."
                         He looked down at me, with a look of surprise on his face.
               For a moment I was scared.  I thought he might get scared by that, but
                he only smiled.  "I know."  He said.  "I've known it for as long as
                                          I've known you."
                         "Why didn't you say anything... do anything... before?" I
                       asked, looking up into his wide, softly slanted eyes.
                         "I dunno.  It was hard for me to admit I wasn't like other
                 guys.  My parents haven't figured it out... I didn't want them to
               know.  They'd think there was something wrong with me if I told them I
                 was into other guys.  But I couldn't play the front anymore."  He
                hugged me close.  "I love you, too, Gabe.  I could feel you watching
                me all those times.  I was so afraid to get close to you, because I
                  was scared of what people would say.  But... I couldn't stand it
                                             anymore."
                      I felt so protected by the embrace.  So this is what it's like,
               I thought to myself.  This is what I wanted for so long.  Tears welled
               up in my eyes and I hugged him tighter.  "Your secret's safe with me,
                  Dave."  I whispered into the dark, and nuzzled into his neck for
                                               sleep.
                      by Beth Winegarner, 1992 (C) 1992 nosering publications
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