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So I'm watching MTV and they're showing a Mariah Carey video and I'm thinking, "Jeez, this girl needs some *help*." So I gather up some fake credentials and id's, hop in my ride and tool on over to Kalamazoo or Wichita Falls or East Bumfuck or wherever the hell it is she grew up. And I stop by her high school. I go to the yearbook office, make a few pencil sketches of Mariah as she looked in high school and then start asking her old teachers questions about her. They're only too happy to talk about her.

"What kind of boys did Mariah date?" I ask.

"Date? Oh no, not Mariah. All she ever used to do was sing. Yep, just sing."

"But surely there must have been someone? She's hardly an unnattra--"

"Mariah didn't really um, fill out, until late in her senior year. I always remember her as skinny and awkward. She spent a lot of time with those kids from the school musical. You might want to talk to Mr. Browning--he runs the--"

"That's fine, thanks.

They were absolutely no help so I went straight to Mariah's house where she grew up, an aluminum-sided split-level suburban kind of nightmare with a station wagon in the drive. With simulated wood on the doors.

"Mrs. Carey--"

"Please, call me Pookie."

"Pookie, did Mariah have many friends in town here? What were they like? Every girl has a best friend. Who was Mariah's?"

Mr. Carey entered the room and sat in the recliner by the piano. "Anyone could tell you that Pookie was Mariah's only friend back then. Kind of worried us for a while. But she seemed so happy just to sit in here and sing while Pookie played the piano. Pookie, play something for our guest--"

"No, I couldn't. Really."

So I left East Bumfuck armed with a few pencil sketches and the knowledge that Mariah was not the most social kid in high school. I caught up with her in Philadelphia, where she was in a a friend of mine's studio working on her next album, "Emotional Bliss." A duet with Michael Bolton, "Deep sincere love gunk", was slated to be the first single. Well since Mariah was on *my* turf here in Philly it was a simple matter to arrange a chance meeting with her at a bar near the studio.

I saw her in a booth at the back of the bar, her hair all up and under a hat. I walked over to the jukebox, put in a buck, and played "Vision of Love" three times in a row. A woman at the bar who *had* kind of been looking my way promptly scowled and left the place. Ah well. . . The next thing I knew Mariah was on the stool next to me at the bar(I had asked the producer, who owed me a favor, to steer her my way). She ordered a ginger ale and asked me if I liked that song.

"It's all right. But there's something about the woman who sings it. . .I don't know, maybe I'm nuts but I swear. . .ah I don't know. You?" I looked right at her and made it clear that I did not know who she was. She felt safe talking to me.

"I like the song a lot, yes."

"She's new, isn't she?" I asked.

She nodded.

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"Do you dance," I asked, knowing full well from watching her videos that she didn't.

The smoky atmosphere of the bar and three watered-down ginger ales had made Mariah bold. "Yes. Okay."

On the dance floor I confirmed what I had long suspected. Maria was, in fact, a virgin, and quite uncomfortable with her own body and bodies in general. I guessed that it was the result of her fairly strict Catholic upbringing.

I asked her what she did. She said she hoped to be a singer. I told her that I play a little piano and would she sing a song for me in the back?

"Okay."

I started in on "Time, Love and Tenderness" and she sang. She covered every inch of twelve-octave range. She sang for hours. She sang until the bar was packed. She sang until the dogs outside stopped howling and just listened. She sang like she wanted to be with me tonight. And she was.

Back at my place she saw my pencil sketches that I had drawn out of her high school yearbook. Trembling, she asked me what they were all about.

"This girl has been haunting my dreams for about five years. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, could hardly exist. So my shrink thought it would be good therapy for me to draw this girl, since I *am* an artist. Anyway, that's her." I put my hands around Mariah's biceps. "You're shaking. What's wrong?"

"She buried her face in my chest. "Rich, I--I--"

I stroked her hair. "I know," I whispered. "I know."

After she finished the album we moved in together in a little apartment out in L.A. Our nights were spent wrapped in the envelope of each other's flesh and our days were spent in the living room and the kitchen, teaching Mariah to dance. Which was *not* easy. I played Samantha Fox and Sheena Easton and Prince videos over and over on the vcr, explaining to her exactly what 'sexy' was. Finally, she seemed to catch on. "Rolling Stone" did a cover story on "the new Mariah". "People" did something lame entitled "They call the wind Mariah". But she was still not complete.

One day she came home to find Christina Applegate, naked but for a long wig, lip-syncing lewdly to "Emotion" while I watched, also naked. She ran from the apartment, her heart broken. But finally complete. I quickly left that city and moved back to Philly and started doing some research on Debbie Gibson.

The next year Mariah nearly swept the Grammys and won tremendous acclaim for her portrayal of Nora in "A Doll's House" opposite Jeremy Irons.

RICHH

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