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Laying next to you clothed in white, your arms around me trying to absorb the hurt and pain that's been building for weeks. We kiss. My lips tremble under yours. You place a hand on my breast. The sorrow inside of my heart builds. We've been lost for so long you and I. Lost to ourselves and lost to each other. The sultry sounds of a Phyllis Hyman ballad is heard on the cassette player in the background. I close my eyes as they begin to water. My body shakes as I fight back the tears that had refused to fall for weeks. I want to scream. I want to yell so loudly that the sound fills the universe and beyond. But I don't. I hold back the tears and the screams, pushing them into the BlackHole from whence they came. I turn to you and look deeply into your eyes. I hope that you see the love and devotion that I've never stopped feeling. Not once. Not even when you barely knew that I existed. Not even when I thought that I hated you to the very core. No, I don't cry. I refuse to cry. There is so little time and I've missed you so much. There is no time for tears.

Finally, slowly, we make love. "Playing" seems to be something that's somehow not right at this point in my life here with you now. We both love it, but we need--no -I- need--the tenderness of your touch. This is not the time to meet as Master and slave. This is a time for equals. This is a time to try to recapture the magik that we once felt. God, how I've missed you. How I've longed to be one with you. I scurry on top of you and take you into me. My body holds you snugly never wanting to let you go. Pain. It rips through me like a sword. My body is racked. It shudders. Tears begin to fall uncontrollably down the white gown. Down my chest. Across my breasts onto your body. You pull me down to lay on your chest.

"I'm sorry," I say through cracks in my voice as the sobs gather in my throat.

"Shhh...I'm here for you now," you tell me and pull me closer.

For what seems like an eternity, you hold me in your arms, caressing me, rocking me. We are joined. I am a part of you and you are a part of me. Your body enveloped in the warmth and tightness of mine. Me, held securely in your arms. This is the way that it should be. This is right. The screams in my head have subsided and for the first time in weeks I have no doubt that you love me. The only thing left is the pain. Yes, the unrelenting torment of the pain.

Moving carefully, I sit up and press myself deeper onto you, hips undulating almost imperceptibly. The tears continue to fall, for there is pain still to be vanquished. Yet, I begin to feel the familiar sensations of my body awakening. My hands claw at your chest, playing with the masses of dark hair that I find so inviting. Your eyes close and a soft moan escapes your lips. I smile. It's a greedy, self-satisfied smile at being able to please you yet again. Whether I am actively your slave, and you my Master, pleasing you is something that will always bring me purpose and joy. Seeing the expression on your face raises the ante in my body and in my soul. The tears are flowing downward. Caressing you with the sting of many a lonely, empty night. You push into me and I close my eyes. Something...There's something....My eyes open. Startled, I feel an entity lurking behind me.

"Oh God, no!", I cry inside my head. "Please, I'm begging you, go away. Not yet. Don't take him from me yet," I plead to the Shadow.

My body meeting your thrusts, setting it on fire. Writhing on top of you, bending down to kiss you hard and ravenously as if that would keep you with me. The Shadow creeps up on us. So close. I want to grab it and fling it out of the room. Out of our lives. Out of MY life. I didn't think that sie could touch us here. Not here. Not while we're entwined in each other. The Shadow is stronger than I ever imagined. Sie is more dangerous than I ever believed sie could be. Pulsating bodies, sweaty and slick. Moaning, grunting, musty passion. Almost there...Almost...

"GO AWAY!! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! NO!!", I shout at the Shadow.

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The Shadow is silent.

"What about all of those weeks and weeks of agony that you put us through? Don't we deserve a little peace? Please, leave us alone. I love him. Can't you see that?"

Again, the Shadow is silent.

"I'm going to come," you hiss through clenched teeth as you pound into me from below.

My cunt muscles tighten around you, squeezing you, holding onto you for my life's blood. I'll be damned if I'll let hir have you. Sie'll take you and never let me have even a part of you. My cunt grips you as the Shadow moves beside us.

"Fight, you bastard! Fight with me! Fight for me!", I scream through gut wrenching sobs as the molten liquid of my own need escapes from my body.

"Don't let her take you away from me. Please, mylove, don't let hir push me aside again," I implore as you explode.

I lay on top of you, barely able to catch my breath. All is quiet now except for the sounds of Luther on the cassette. Even the tears are silent. The Shadow looks down on us. Sie knows that sie has won. Sie knows how powerful sie is. I turn over and watch as you begin to sleep. I have failed mylove and myself. I look up at the Shadow in surrender.

"I give up. I can't fight you anymore. He is yours now. He didn't love me enough. Take him and keep him safe, for I will always love him."

The Shadow took him away that night. I left what was once our bed and walked slowly, softly and with deep sorrow off into the BlackHole defeated. I turned around to look once more. He was gone. Forever.

Sartre